Less fizzy than a week old taramasalata? That might be a touch harsh

Halfway through an airline flight it is not uncommon for the intercom to give a muted ‘bing’ and the captain to give an update on progress. ‘Hello, folks, just passing over the central plains now,’ says a voice which may be speaking with a clothes peg on its nose. ‘Sorry about that spot of turbulence earlier but things should be smoother for the rest of our trip.

‘If you look out of the windows now, over the left wing, you’ll have a lovely view of the sun setting on the career of Ed Balls. And over the right wing, in the distance, you’ll spot a smouldering volcano: Mount Dorries. Blown her top plenty of times.

‘That little speck approaching us at speed from starboard? We’ve been told by air traffic control that it’s that excitable fellow Farage approaching in his two-seater Fokker. We’re reasonably sure he’ll run out of bullets before 2015.

The Prime Minister and his deputy yesterday: Cleggy waved his hands around like a children's TV presenter

Nick Clegg and David Cameron's mid-term review announcement was really just a PR exercise, something to stick in the Downing Street diary

‘Enjoy the rest of your flight. Our stewardess, the pouting, bottle-blonde Miss Fabricant, will be round soon with her trolley of novelty smalls and duty frees. Give her a goose, chaps. She’s an animal for that sort of thing.’

David Cameron’s mid-term review announcement, held at 10 Downing Street yesterday afternoon with First Officer Clegg, was of little obvious consequence, policy-wise. There was nothing in it to alarm. As a work of drama, the two men gave performances that were controlled rather than inspiring.

Mr Cameron entered in one of his breezy- Mr Springy. Pink cheeks. Smiley. Beside him, Mr Clegg looked pasty

Both men vowed that the coalition would continue until 2015, despite calls from some parts of the Tory party for an early 'divorce'

It was really just a PR exercise, something to stick in the Downing Street diary, something they could all point to when asked, on getting home to their better halves, ‘so what did you do today, dear?’
Was it perchance a little flat? Possibly. As flat as publican’s ullage? Less fizzy than week-old taramasalata? That might be a touch harsh.

The event did not last long. We were out in 50 minutes. Horray! But the two men were at pains to present a united front

There was a certain dogged optimism about both men – particularly Mr Cameron – that made one marvel at their stamina, if nothing else. First day back to work for many of us after the Christmas gusset-stretchings, and most normal human beings feel an onset of the blues. But not politicians. Oh no. 

 

Mr Cameron entered in one of his breezy, ‘right, let’s crack on with it’ moods. Mr Springy. Pink cheeks. Smiley. A clap of the hands and then a rub of the palms. He is a veritable vitamin supplement, all on his own.
Beside him, Mr Clegg looked pasty. Put it like this, he and Peter Hain could easily form the ‘before’ and ‘after’ poses in a Piz Buin sunoil commercial.
Both PM and deputy PM had a lectern. Each had a cheapo notice stuck to its front (photocopier job, by the look of it), saying ‘Coalition Government: Mid-Term Review’. We blunt nibs of Fleet Street had been handed 50-page brochures which listed the achievements and continuing aims of the Government.

The front cover shows three chaps in orange boiler suits. They were either utilities workers or inmates at Guantanamo Bay prison.

Mr Cameron trotted out some preliminaries. ‘Global race… hour of reckoning… rebalance and rebuild economy… Coalition came together for national interest, etc, etc.’ Was that gleam in his eyes just slightly manic?

While the PM spoke, his deputy listened with pre-selected grimaces and sideways glances. The happy news is that his German press officer, Lena Pietsch (pronounced ‘Peach’) is back. When six-footer Lena went into spin doctoring it was a sad day for netball. She has returned from maternity leave every bit as tall and cheesed-off-looking as when she left us, and all somehow seems once more right with the world.

The event did not last long. We were out in 50 minutes. Horray! There was stuff (from Cleggy, waving his hands around like a children’s TV presenter, if one can still make such an allusion without being sued for libel) about Labour’s incorrigible opportunism and economic incompetence. Mr Cameron compared the Coalition to ‘the Ronseal deal – it does what it says on the tin’. Mr Clegg: ‘The unvarnished truth!’

A few laughed. Frau Pietsch remained unmoved.